I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. For a time, I was taking medication but didn’t like the side effects so I quit taking it. I always thought depression is something I should be able to fix on my own, right? If I’m a jerk, that’s just who I am. I have learned through the years that I am not a jerk, for the most part, but depression still haunts me on a daily basis. At this point, I even think it is more of being bi-polar vs. depression.
Lately, I have been about as depressed as I can remember. Most of it has to do with the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I don’t have much control over. I have grown very tired of living in the Midwest and my stagnant job. Also, since I have lost weight, the cold has an even sharper bite than it once did. I sit by more heaters and bundle up more this year than I have before and it is not even officially winter yet. It’s time to migrate to the warmth, the problem is, it’s not possible at this point.
I was told by the better half at one point that if I found a job out west that would be the first step in our migration. Well, that happened and here I still sit shivering in the cold. Unfortunately, she was told she could not transfer her job, which she likes, at this time or anytime soon. It was not easy to turn down a job offer coming from Phoenix. All I can think now is how nice it would be to be done with snow, corn, and Midwest boringness.
So often, people say happiness is a choice. Sometimes, I guess, but not for me. My choice is to move away from this place. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have lived in Indiana my whole life. I feel like I have seen every place and driven down every road. It’s time for new adventures, discoveries, and a new address. Getting up every day here in the dark with the temps creeping toward zero do not lead to smiles and rainbows for me … sorry.
I have started the back nine of life. I have played like crap on the front nine and am looking for a good drive off the tee on No. 10. The longer I stay here, the more I will surely slice my ball into the woods. It’s time to explore the greener fairways of the Southwest.
Some people will say that I will never find the happiness I am looking for by moving away. I guess that kind of falls into the same thought that money doesn’t buy happiness. Well, in both cases, that is something I would like to learn for myself. At least in Arizona, I won’t be freezing my balls off in the dark, cold winter.
I guess my depression stems from feeling trapped without knowing how to fix it. Happiness can be a choice, but very hard when you are stuck in a place you no longer wish to be.